You’ve heard it before: “Success isn’t linear.”
What they mean is there will be obstacles and lucky breaks where we can’t plan. Apparently the same can be true of self-help; there isn’t a clean, organized path from start to finish.
Sigh.
Setting a foundation and cornerstone habit is great, but that “best life” we’re building isn’t easy to blueprint in advance. In hindsight we might be able to lay the roadmap for others to follow—which is why there are so many self-help methods and techniques available. However, each one of us will take a slightly different route. And if you’re anything like me, your route is likely to be unheard of by anyone, ever. There is no blueprint out there that will get you where you’re trying to go.
We’re on our own here.
Take Heart! You Are Enough
You already have the tools you need. We all do, though we’re not taught how to use what we’ve got to our advantage.
Hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up.
Why It Feels So Difficult
You likely know by now, I’m pretty neuro-divergent. That much I know for certain. Whether it’s autism, ADHD, trauma, some combination of the three or a mixture of other things, it’s clear my brain works differently from the norm. Unfortunately, all the tools, knowledge, tips, and techniques presented to me tend to come from the neurotypical framework. This means they assume my mind works a certain way—and it doesn’t.
Earlier this week, I came across this YouTube short that put my feelings into words perfectly (couldn’t find the original, but the guy doesn’t say anything anyway):
It’s exhausting all the work we do to make up for the differences between our brains and whatever this baseline “typical” is. Trying to focus on improving one self-care habit pulls energy and attention away from the others. Eventually, we end up worse off than we started from holding up all the spinning plates other minds seem to do automatically.
This leads all too easily to burnout, regardless of what divergence your neurology presents. And this past week, I’ve noticed that same thing starting to happen. Putting all my attention into one or two habits seems to be having the unintended effect of pulling me away from other things—which sent me into a scroll spiral.
But Then I Was Brought To Tears
That young woman’s plight felt so much like my own, but it didn’t break me. Too close, I suppose. I nodded away, thinking, “Yup. That’s how it feels.” My guard was still up; this is just the way life is for me, after all. Forty years in, I’ve no right to expect anything different, right?
But then I came across this one, and everything changed:
I love this woman. She is my hero, despite the fact that her every word pierced me like diamond tipped arrows through the thick exoskeleton of logic I’d constructed around me. She cut right to the heart of the issue: I’m never going to have enough energy to be normal. There’s simply no way to hyper-focus indefinitely; that crash and burn is inevitable, no matter what. I’ve got to face the fact that it’s not just difficult to do what I’m trying to do, for me it’s literally impossible.
I’ll never be that person. Ever.
BUT, I Already Am What I Need
Ok, we can loop back around to that earlier concept—you and I are already enough, right here and now. We’ve got the tools, we’ve got the drive. The journey and destination are just going to look a bit… different… than what we expected.
Thing is, I’ve got this idea in our head of how my “best self” is supposed to look. That idea is made of what I see from other people, and so has become an unattainable standard I keep trying to live up to. No wonder I fall short—hardly any of it comes from me!
From here on, I’m going to completely change the focus. Yup, everything else is taking a back seat—habits be damned! But, if I’m being honest, that path wasn’t going to end well anyway. I knew that. Somewhere inside, I knew.
But if it’s one thing I have in abundance, it’s hope.
One Focus, One Practice
Those other techniques aren’t getting thrown out—but this habit is infinitely more important, and so much come first and foremost, before even considering anything else. Thankfully, it’s simple.
I’m sure there are variations of it out there, but I’m designing this one for myself based on the same New Age magic-oriented book I mentioned in one of the cornerstone habits. It suggests a practice each and every morning before getting out of bed, to connect to your higher self and plan the day according to its whims. My version is slightly different, but carries the same basic idea:
Void Creation
At various points in the day (between projects, or when the current plan seems excessively difficult), take a few moments to step back and banish your mind to the void and let go of everything happening in the here and now. Rest in the void and give it the anxiety, frustration, hopes, expectations, fear—everything. Let it all go. The more you practice this, the easier and faster it will get.
Once you have let go of everything (or as much as you feel capable), open yourself to the creative powers of the void. Let it move through you, whispering in your ear thoughts and ideas unburdened by your previous situation and plans. Hear the call to move forward with curiosity, excitement, intrigue, and/or abandon without judgment.
As you return, commit yourself to taking a step toward that new action as soon as possible. If you can set the current project aside immediately, then do so. If not, then find the next available point to wrap it up to come back to later. Trust that this practice will either lead you back to completing it, or that its completion is unnecessary in the first place.
I know that’s a radical practice, even for myself. Letting go and trusting so deeply in that seemingly flighty part of myself to the degree that I would abandon my current plans feels so foreign to me; and yet, all those plans are designed for a “me” that isn’t possible and doesn’t exist in the first place. When I compare this practice to the life I’ve been trying to lead, they both seem equally mad, but only one seems to take the true me into account.
Feel free to amend this as you see fit for yourself, and always make sure to account for your personal safety! This exercise should improve life, not make it more difficult. Of course, I am willing to allow for some strife as part of making changes—it always gets worse before it gets better. But it’s up to each person to draw the line where it is reasonable.
Point blank, if the Void tells me to do something dangerous or irresponsible, I’m not doing it. End of. I urge you to make the same discretions.
My hope is that doing this will naturally lead to forming the habits I want, but rather than forcing myself into a cookie cutter experience it allows for mindfulness along the way. As I move forward, I’ll get to know myself better and probably find new and better ways to work with myself too.
Until next time, remember to follow yourself, always!
A beautiful, self-love place to get to! It truly sounds to me like you might have the right idea about understanding and honoring the self! Also, that video from ADHD Love got me right in the feels.
Thanks for sharing and I hope you find smiles, TAM! <3